Frederick Azechi (Toyama) & Alice Polaschek (Miyazu)
It’s midnight on a Tuesday and you’re staring at your phone. You have work in the morning, but you’re not just killing time doomscrolling. You’re waiting for the phone to ring—to hear your significant other’s voice for the first time in a week. You’ll talk for only 15 minutes before you get ready to sleep while they head to work. Sometimes you’ll wake up early and make the phone call yourself; other times, the call never comes.
Living in different time zones is just one of the many struggles that come with having a long-distance relationship, or LDR for short. Relationships of any kind have their challenges, and distance only emphasizes pre-existing problems while adding new ones to the mix. Most of our readers are foreigners living in Japan, and many of us have left loved ones in our home countries—or will leave loved ones in Japan when we eventually return home. So, let’s take a moment to recognize some of the challenges that come with LDRs and explore a few ways to navigate them. To help me accomplish this, I spoke with former Kyoto ALT Alice Polaschek. Together, we’ll touch on four core components we experienced in our LDRs and what we think you should plan for.
1. The Adjustment Period
Alice lived in Miyazu, Kyoto from 2023 to 2024. However, this wasn’t the start of her LDR experience. She and her partner had begun dating in high school before living in different cities for two years. When asked about the biggest challenge she faced in an LDR, she said, “By far, the hardest part of a long-distance relationship was the initial adjustment. We went from having someone always there, to needing to make time for each other and having hard conversations, while sitting in a room alone.”
I’ve had several long-distance relationships in my life, the most recent of which was with my girlfriend—now my wife. We had met in Japan a year before she was due to go on a working holiday in Australia. Although we had had our entire relationship to prepare for the impending distance, it was far from easy. Her initial weeks were focused on living in a new country with a different language. Meanwhile, I was left with someone suddenly cut out of my daily life.
When I asked Alice who struggled more during this period, she reflected, “It’s harder when your life stays the same, because something is taken out of your routine.” However, she shared what worked for her: “I coped by focusing on distracting myself by going out with friends and focusing on work.”
2. Staying Close When You’re Far Apart
After the initial introduction of distance into your relationship, the challenge becomes maintaining closeness across distance, while maintaining a healthy relationship. If you bury your head in your work and never come up for air, your relationship may deteriorate.
It’s worth mentioning that every relationship requires effort from both parties. LDRs simply take the typical needs of a relationship and amplify them. For example, miscommunication issues could go from lasting hours to days, language barriers go from inconveniences to real obstacles, and differences in “love languages” become more apparent.
When my partner moved to Australia, we already had a plan to maintain our connection. She brought her iPad and PlayStation with her. We watched Netflix together at night and played games on the weekends when we had free time. Alice shared similar experiences: “While living in different countries, we would still watch shows together—awkwardly syncing up when we started episodes so we were as close to each other as possible. It was nice to have something to talk about other than ourselves. We also tried playing a few games, but I am not a gamer, so this was less successful for us.”
Honestly, this is the reality of LDRs: trial and error. Like in any relationship, not every solution will work. The important thing is finding something that helps keep the connection alive.
3. The Bittersweet Reality of Visits
Finally, you’re meeting face to face. You’re about to cram half a year’s worth of exciting activities into an all-out week of fun… right?
But reality is often more complicated.
Alice reminisced, “In Japan, we would travel somewhere new together and each of us would take turns going closer to the other.” By 2023, she was a first-year ALT living in Kyoto and her partner was a third-year JET in Saitama. “Sometimes we didn’t want to just sightsee while visiting each other, and we missed just hanging out and existing in an apartment.”
Honestly, I could relate to the feeling of wanting to just be together without having anything too thrilling planned. When I finally visited my partner in Australia, half of our time was spent doing everyday domestic things. I helped her move into a new apartment, we got her driver’s license sorted out, we cooked and watched movies. Of course, we did sightseeing and fun activities too. But it was just as important to give the emotional component of our relationship time to breathe.
4. Bringing It Home
“By July, I was counting down the days until we reunited—it was so exciting that this was finally happening!”
Alice and her partner eventually reunited and moved back to New Zealand, where they now live. And that is the final point I’d like to make—for most of us, the long distance is temporary.
Stay engaged during the difficult early stages, maintain your connection through shared activities, plan your visits thoughtfully and realistically, and remember that the time apart is a temporary challenge that may ultimately make your connection stronger. My partner and I spent a year apart, and during that time, we developed individually, as well as together. I believe that in any relationship, you’ll grow—but in an LDR, you may grow exponentially.
Author Bios:
Alice Polaschek was an ALT in Miyazu, Kyoto. She and her partner returned to Wellington, New Zealand in 2024, where she currently works as a speech-language therapist.
Frederick is a fourth-year ALT in Takaoka, Toyama where he and his wife live. In his free time, he enjoys volunteering, traveling, and playing chess.